Dear Friends,

I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm disappointed.

There, I said it. Today's 5-4 decision from Washington State Supreme Court that same-sex couples have no right to marry is a serious letdown for every American who wants to live in a country that fully values all its citizens. As someone who is right now devoting his full-time energies to ending discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity, I can't help but feel battle-weary given the number of setbacks our community has faced recently. On the one hand, I look back to 12 years ago, when I came out of the closet in college, and I see so much progress since then. I can only imagine how my predecessors in the movement feel about the positive changes in society. Now, I meet young people who have the bravery to be themselves when they are in high school, which would have been unfathomable for me and others my age and older. I see the number of states that grant some legal recognition to same-sex couples, and the growing number of anti-discrimination laws. I see couples marrying in Massachusetts, Spain, Canada, Belgium, the Netherlands, and soon, South Africa. I delight in the number of realistic representations of LGBT Americans that are making their way into popular TV and Film, when for so long it was unspeakable to consider the lives of LGBT people as worthy of empathy.

Still, in America and around the world, prejudice and animus against LGBT people continues, and today, we're all feeling it. Right now, all I can think about is what I should I say to Lisa Polyak and Gita Deane, who are the lead plaintiffs suing the state of Maryland for the ability to marry so that their daughters can grow up with the dignity, self-worth, and security that they deserve. How do I explain to Lisa and Gita that the Washington State Supreme Court says that "community standards at this time do not show a societal commitment to inclusion of same-sex marriage as part of the fundamental right to marry"? Judge Mary Fairhurst, in her dissenting opinion, said it best: "...popular opinion cannot dictate our interpretation of the constitution--" [a] citizen's constitutional rights can hardly be infringed simply because a majority of the people choose that it be."

If I were president of the United States, I'd create a new cabinet post for community standards and put Lisa Polyak and Gita Deane – two of the finest human beings I know – in charge. These women literally embody what "community standards" should be all about.

How do I explain to Lisa and Gita that the Court doesn't think DOMA laws are motivated by bigotry? The majority opinion stated that "we cannot agree that the only reason the legislation [Washington's Defense of Marriage Act] was enacted was because of anti-gay sentiment." Citing that some legislators who voted for the DOMA statute in 1998 voted this year to add "sexual orientation" to the state's anti-discrimination laws, the Court said: "Even if some of these legislators may have had a "change of heart," the far more likely explanation for the majority, if not all, is that they were not motivated by antigay sentiment in 1998 but instead were convinced for other reasons that marriage should not be extended to same-sex couples."

The truth is that when one passes a law "defending marriage," one is discriminating. Does that mean that anyone who supports these measures is a bad person? No, I don't believe that. Life is not that black and white. Haven't most of us been guilty of homophobia? When I grew up, the last thing in the world I wanted was to be associated in any way with gay people. I didn't know any gay people, and the images I had of them in my head thanks to people like Anita Bryant and Trent Lott were not flattering. As I came to terms with my sexual orientation, it was difficult to see myself as that which I had always imagined to be "the other." As time went by, I felt disgusted and angry that pervasive societal messages force millions of Americans to question our own self-worth.

But just because someone feels they have a reason to "defend marriage" does not mean that that reason is rooted in anything other than baseless, ignorant, irrational prejudice. Said Judge Fairhurst: "Having determined there is no rational basis for denying same-sex couples the right to marry, I conclude that DOMA was motivated solely by animus toward homosexuals." Judge Bridge agreed as well, saying: "If the DOMA purports to further some State purpose of preserving the family unit, as the plurality would interpret it, then I cannot imagine better candidates to fulfill that purpose than the same-sex couples who are the plaintiffs in these consolidated actions." We LGBT Americans and those who seek justice alongside us have a right to be angry. Today, I am angry at those Americans who are pleased with the decision out of Washington. I am angry at those who claim gay people know no discrimination. I am angry at those who don't yet understand that opposing discrimination means opposing discrimination in marriage.

If these people knew the couples who have suffered because the state of Maryland considers them to be legal strangers, I believe their viewpoints would change. Can they fathom what Patty Perillo of Silver Spring went through because she was unable to marry her partner? Despite Patty's longtime commitment as an employee of the State, she couldn't cover her partner, Donna, on her health insurance, which subjected Donna to working throughout her illness with ovarian cancer. When Donna died, Patty wasn't eligible for bereavement leave. As if that wasn't bad enough, the State assessed a $30,000.00 inheritance tax on the home that they shared together.

All anger, I believe, is rooted in hurt and disbelief. Today, I'm relating to the lyrics of one of my favorite songs by the Red Hot Chili Peppers: "I've got a bad disease/But from my brain is where I bleed/Insanity it seems/Has got me by my soul to squeeze." Indeed, I am scrambling to make sense of this decision. I am aching for Lisa and Gita, for all of the children of same-sex couples that I know, and most importantly, for those brave couples in Washington State who have been slapped down. I am aching for the very soul of the United States of America. In so many ways, this country fails to do right by all its residents, and until it does, it will be the land of the free only for some. Thankfully, however, it will always be a home of the brave for people like Lisa and Gita, whose love outshines the unfairness and irrationally of any DOMA laws, and who will do right by all of us by persisting in the struggle for fairness and justice until the day has arrived when we all look back, scratch our heads in disbelief, and think: thank goodness those days have passed.

In partnership and equality,

Dan Furmansky
Executive Director
dan@equalitymaryland.org