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Yes, we’re married. A tale of two Maryland gay couples


by Jordan Bartel
Thursday, June 18, 2009

They are married. But they aren't.

Suzanne Lindsay, 36, and Shannon Lowe, 31, live together in Parkville. They have a 10-month-old daughter, Lily. They speak softly, lovingly in response to each other, often completing each other's sentences. They were married at United Church of Christ in Towson in 2006. They call their wedding "as traditional as it gets."

Yet each year they have to divide everything evenly - even offerings made at church - for their taxes. They worry about whether a bank will let them open a joint account. When their daughter was born, thanks to an anonymous sperm donor, Lowe worried whether hospital workers would let her into her wife's room (they did). She also had to petition to put her name on the birth certificate.

That took three months.

Michael McCarthy, 31, and Erik Cannon, 28, had a civil union in Vermont in 2005. A year earlier, on a trip to visit McCarthy's parents in Glenville, N.Y., Cannon got down on one knee and proposed in front of a stranger's house, stopping simply because its decorations were beautiful.

But when they got back home to Greektown, their Vermont union was no longer valid. Although they later had a wedding ceremony in Baltimore, a lavish New Year's Eve affair in 2005 on the 21st floor of the World Trade Center at the Inner Harbor, they, too, have to file separate taxes. They worry about whether they can share the same health or car insurance plan.

They have to be extra careful with how they word their wills. "It's so strange to us. We have a household together and yet we have to divide everything," McCarthy says. "We don't run our household that way."

That could soon change. Late last month, Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler announced he was exploring whether same-sex marriages performed in other states can be recognized in Maryland. In Maryland, law defines marriage as strictly between a man and a woman, but the state generally acknowledges couples married elsewhere. Gansler's decision could come this month.

Lindsay and Lowe, who have traveled to Annapolis to lobby for marriage equality - they'd accept civil unions as a first step - have been met by legislators with varying degrees of support. Some have vowed to fight for them; others shy away from the issue. Some have had odd comments, such as "You don't look gay." "We have to put a face on it," says Lowe. "This is our family. This is our daughter."

McCarthy, a lawyer with an Annapolis-based firm, and Cannon, a manager of clinic operations at a Baltimore hospital, are less politically active, but just as blunt. "It bothers me that in the eyes of the law, Eric is a stranger to me," says McCarthy. "It bothers me that technically your great-aunt has more say in your life than your partner."

These are normal couples. They have pets. They recycle. As McCarthy and Cannon sit on their couch, their two dogs running in and out of their laps, they say they argue over who gets the TV remote. They argue about putting socks in the hamper. "I'm the typical husband who doesn't do enough housework," Cannon says.

McCarthy and Cannon like to travel, and their refrigerator is covered with magnets from tourist destinations - New Orleans, Miami, San Diego. McCarthy, sitting with his back resting on Cannon's outstretched-legs, is the more outspoken of the two. He talks with a certain confidence, happy with his life and strong in his convictions. Cannon smiles more, though he talks with hesitation inching off his voice. Both were raised Catholic, in nuclear families. "At heart we're very traditional," says Cannon. "We both knew early on in life we wanted to get married and raise a family."

Lindsay, a 12th-grade English teacher at Dulaney Valley High School, and Lowe, a Department of the Army geographer in Aberdeen, were married five years after they met at a Baltimore bar. But it took about 10 tries to find a church that would let them have a ceremony. Getting married in church was a must; Lindsay was raised in church.

Lindsay is a self-described nurturer, soft-spoken and attentive. Lowe, sporting spunky dirty-blonde curls, is free-spirited and quick-witted. Their life is chubby-cheeked Lily, her toys strewn across the living room floor. They respond to Lily's every movement, every sound, every smile. This life together is clearly the life they've dreamed of.

Both couples don't want to leave Maryland, to go to another state where same-sex marriage is legal. This is where they want to stay and raise a family. Linsday grew up in Jarrettsville; Lowe in New Cumberland, Pa. McCarthy, who went to the University of Maryland, College Park and Cannon, who grew up in Clarksville, in Howard County, would like to have children - "more than one and less than five," McCarthy says.

"I'd like to not have to fight to stay in the same nursing home as Erik," McCarthy says. "But I have faith in Maryland, that we're chipping away at the issue, chipping away."

Lindsay and Lowe are already thinking of having another baby. They discuss the pending family addition while feeding Lily a dinner of chopped edamame and noodles. At this weekend's Pride festival, Lily will wear her "I Heart My Moms" shirt.

After cutting up the last of Lily's dinner, Lindsay pauses for a second to look at Lily, as if reflecting on her and her wife's fight for marriage equality.

"We don't have another option here," she says. "It's our life."

Lowe nods silently while also looking at their daughter.

"And we're never going to give up," she adds.

MARRIAGE EQUALITY NEXT?

A vote to recognize same-sex unions in Maryland would be a vote for Sen. Richard Madaleno and his family.

The Montgomery County Democrat, who married his partner in a Maryland church in 2001, has two adopted children: Katie, 6, and Jackson, 2 1/2. When Madaleno discusses legislation that would benefit same-sex couples, he shows his peers photographs of his two children.

"They start to see it as something real," said Madaleno, sitting in his Annapolis office where pictures of his children adorn the walls. "I hear, 'One man, one woman - it's always been that way.' That's not a compelling argument for me. Just because that's the way it's always been, doesn't mean that’s the way it has to be."

It was Madaleno who requested Attorney General Douglas Gansler's official opinion as to whether same-sex marriages performed in other states can be recognized in Maryland. His decision is expected soon. "I'm cautiously optimistic," said Madaleno. "It's going from something abstract to something real. It's happening in more states and hopefully Maryland can be the next."

Del. Don Dwyer, an Anne Arundel County Republican and vocal opponent of gay-rights legislation, has vehemently spoken against Gansler looking into the matter. "The attorney general took the same oath that I did to protect the laws and constitution of this state," Dwyer told The Baltimore Sun. "If he gives an opinion that somehow circumvents that law, I am going to take him to task."

Gay rights supporters applauded Gansler's announcement, calling it a step in the right direction for marriage equality in the state.

"In general, everything is a matter of time, but each year is getting better and better," said Chris Edelson, the state legislative director for the Washington-based Human Rights Campaign. "It's been kind of surreal to see such changes so quickly."

One of the groups HRC works with and supports is Equality Maryland, the state's largest LGBT rights group. Kevin Walling, the 23-year-old development director of Silver Spring-based Equality Maryland said his organization has lobbyists on the ground in Annapolis, including four full-time staff members. He praised Gansler as one of the key leaders for equality in Annapolis.

"The attorney general recognizing [same-sex marriage] would send a message that the sky is not going to fall, we're not going to fall in the Chesapeake Bay," Walling said.

Gansler's decision would affect Walling personally. "I want to have the same rights as the same people I went to school with," he said. "I want to get married, raise kids. I only ask, personally, to have those same rights and abilities."

Mary Ellen Russell, executive director of Annapolis-based Maryland Catholic Conference, which is against same-sex marriage in the state, believes people against recognizing same-sex unions in the state do not want to to come across as "unwarranted discrimination of the gay community."

"We all love and respect our gay friends," said Russell. "It's an issue where the greatest concern is understanding the natural underpinnings to the legal recognition... that marriage is between a man and a woman."

But for Madaleno, the issue cuts deeper.

"It would help resolve so many issues," he said of recognizing same-sex marriage in Maryland. "It would give us a tremendous piece of mind. It's fairness. It's equality."

SAME SEX LEGAL ISSUES AT A GLANCE

  • Three states offer full marriage rights to same-sex couples: Massachusetts, Connecticut and Iowa.
  • Two states are slated to grant full marriage rights to same-sex couples this year: Vermont (Sept. 1) and Maine (90 days after legislative session ends this month).
  • New Hampshire, which has allowed civil unions will recognize full marriage rights on Jan. 1, 2010.
  • Just one other state permits same-sex couples to enter into civil unions: New Jersey.
  • Five places allow same-sex couples to take advantage of broad domestic partner laws: California, the District of Columbia, Nevada (effective Oct. 1), Oregon and Washington (effective July 26, subject to possible referendum).
  • National Organization for Marriage's "Gathering Storm" anti-gay marriage PSA has been viewed more than 789,000 times on NOM's official YouTube channel.
  • In Maryland, LGBT individuals or couples can petition to adopt.
  • In Maryland, a law will go into effect July 1 that adds "domestic partners" to the list of family members that can inherit jointly owned primary residences without incurring tax penalties.
  • 2009's Maryland Senate Bill 565: Sponsored by Sens. Rich Madaleno and Jamie Raskin, the Religious Freedom and Civil Marriage Protection Act would allow two people, regardless of gender, to marry, so long as they were otherwise eligible to be married under Maryland law. It would also guarantee the freedom of religious leaders to perform and honor only those marriages that are consistent with their religious tenets. This measure had a hearing but no vote.
  • For the upcoming 2010 survey, the Census bureau plans to change the responses of married same-sex couples and report them as unmarried couples. The Census Bureau states that the federal Defense of Marriage Act prohibits it from recognizing same-sex marriages.