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John Lestitian: Every kind of family needs protection and security


Commentary
Monday, October 1, 2007

BALTIMORE -- Two weeks ago, four of seven judges on the Court of Appeals denied me and thousands of lesbian and gay couples in Maryland the legal protections that come with a civil marriage license. So, when I sat down to write my response to the decision, it surprised me that I was at a loss for words. I thought I would have so much to convey.

In reviewing the scope of our new reality, I wanted to explain that we are real, loving families and that there is no good reason to create a separate institution of "civil unions." And while many religious organizations are eager to marry same-sex couples, religious leaders can never be forced to perform marriages they do not want to perform. I further thought how this is about civil rights under the law, about whether the government should deny protections to families who need them, and about how extending civil marriage to us does not create a new family unit; we already exist.

I struggled for words to convey how this is also about simple humanity. Although the decision came as a shock, we must and will go on to fight for civil marriage.

But after hours of reflection, only a question a reporter asked me in 2004 and my response to him repeated in my mind. It was at a news conference in Baltimore when we announced the lawsuit. A television reporter asked: "So, how did it feel when you learned you had no rights?"

(It is important to understand at this juncture that the reporter was asking about my life, my family and the death of my spouse.)

My reply: "I see that you are wearing a wedding ring. How would you feel if the State of Maryland said the 14 years with your spouse meant nothing? How would you feel if you learned you could not protect your family? How did I feel? You actually expect me to be able to put in words what it felt like for the state to say that I was a legal stranger."

We were family.

We were everything to each other, and we pledged our lives to each other in front of our friends and our God. But we could not get a civil marriage license.

Fast-forwarding to today and looking at the families involved in this struggle, all those whom the plaintiffs and I represent, I hear that same question. "So, how did it feel when you learned you have no rights?"

Our reply has not changed. This ruling and all the political statements threatening to keep our families from receiving security and protection will not make us go away. It creates hardship. It hurts our loved ones and our children. It momentarily drains us. But in the end, our only choice is to fight for the security and protection that only civil marriage can give our families.

Imagine if the world were turned on its head for just a day and you and your family were not recognized by the state. Non-traditional families have argued that we are the same as traditional families. We are not. There is one great difference. The state has chosen to not provide for the security of our families.

We are reminded each and every day that the state of Maryland believes our families are not worth protecting. Whether it is a young couple just starting out, or an established family with children, or a couple nearing retirement, our needs are the same as traditional families. Yet the state acts as if we do not exist. But we do!

We are reminded of the state's position when we form a family, when we try to add a spouse to a vehicle title, when we try to plan for retirement, when we are asked to leave an emergency room, when a doctor refuses to speak with the second mommy or daddy, when a spouse dies and a distant relative has more rights, when faced with nursing home decisions for an ailing spouse. We are reminded -- sadly, this list is endless; as is our resolve.

John Lestitian lives in Hagerstown. He is one of 19 plaintiffs in Marylandıs civil marriage lawsuit, Deane & Polyak v. Conaway.