From the Annapolis Capital

Looking for a 'traditional' family? Here it is

by Eric Hartley

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Meet two of the threats to traditional marriage.

One's a stay-at-home dad and part-time museum curator, the other a corporate attorney. They drive a Volvo station wagon and a Saab and live in a one-story waterfront home in Arnold that they're about to renovate.

Almost every night at 6 o'clock, they sit down for dinner with their children, 8-year-old Helen and 6-year-old Michael.

Barry Kessler, 49, and David Hankey, 50, exchanged rings years ago in New York's Central Park.

But of course, in the eyes of the law, that meant nothing. They can't marry in Maryland because they're gay, a fact reinforced last week when the state's highest court affirmed a law stating that marriage can be only between a man and a woman.

They have a full life, good friends and a close-knit extended family. They say they're lucky to live in a state as progressive as Maryland and have had almost no problems living as a gay couple. Everyone at their kids' schools is welcoming, and when they take Michael to the hospital, no one even gives them a second look.

But still, it hurts to think what they can't have.

"I think it's the sense of being a second-class citizen," Mr. Kessler said, sitting with the man he calls his "other half" in their living room. "It's the sense of our family is devalued. You're being told your family, your relationship, is not valid."

So what "legitimate governmental objective," to use the legal term, is served by banning gay marriage? Protecting marriage and the traditional family, we're told.

The ironic thing, as Mr. Kessler said, is their family is far more traditional than many in an age of high divorce rates -- a "throwback" of sorts, he called it.

They got married, as best they could, before they had kids. Mr. Kessler stayed home because they thought that was the best thing for the children. They don't even have a television, and they have giant gatherings for Thanksgiving every year with both Mr. Kessler's and Mr. Hankey's sides of the family.

Reflecting their kids' mixed religious heritage -- Mr. Kessler is Jewish and the children are being raised Jewish, but Mr. Hankey is Catholic -- they have a "Kosher for Passover Easter" every year. (That means lamb, but no hot cross buns; they're leavened.)

If they did all this as a married couple, how would it affect anyone else in the world? It wouldn't, but people pursuing some misguided notion of Christianity will continue to fight to deny them the right.

Married couples have a litany of rights denied to people who are legal strangers, including inheritance rights and being able to make emergency medical decisions and visit each other in the hospital.

The court decision essentially kicks the issue back to the General Assembly. Several lawmakers have announced they will introduce bills to allow gay and lesbian couples to marry, and Gov. Martin O'Malley is open to a compromise "civil union" bill. But Del. Don Dwyer, R-Glen Burnie, said he will reintroduce a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.

Memo to Mr. Dwyer: Gay couples aren't asking to get married in your church; the courthouse would be fine.

Mr. Hankey and Mr. Kessler met in 1985 while swimming at a Baltimore athletic club. They both lived in Federal Hill, just a few blocks apart, and shared a love of architecture and history.

Mr. Hankey, a quiet man with buzz-cut, thinning white hair and a mustache, grew up in Arnold on Mill Creek and went to Severna Park High School. His family has been in Maryland for 300 years.

Mr. Kessler, a thin, youthful-looking man with brown hair and a goatee just starting to show flecks of gray, grew up on Long Island. He moved to Baltimore in 1984 to take a museum curator job.

Years later, after they'd bought a house together in Baltimore, they decided to look into having children. After several false starts, a friend of a friend, who they didn't want to name, offered to give birth to their children.

They see the woman, now the birth mother to both kids, as part of the family. The children call Mr. Hankey "Daddy" and Mr. Kessler "Abba," which is Hebrew for Daddy. They moved to Arnold three years ago.

Michael and Helen might be grown before their parents are allowed to marry. But almost certainly, it will happen. Mr. Kessler and Mr. Hankey are sure of it.

Remember that not all that long ago, courts twisted themselves into logical knots to explain why "separate but equal" schools were acceptable, or why the state had a legitimate interest in blocking interracial marriage.

A more immediate question: With all kinds of real problems facing this state -- a deficit approaching $2 billion, crime, drugs, the failing health of the Chesapeake Bay and the rest of the environment -- why are politicians wasting time trying to make sure David Hankey and Barry Kessler can't get married?