From the Jewish Times

Gay Jewish Couple Joins Lawsuit

By Rochelle C. Eisenberg

October 21, 2005

Jodi Kelber-Kaye and Stacey Kargman-Kaye sat in their Bolton Hill living room with their 2-year-old son nearby. Although fighting a cold, he sprinted around the first floor as only a 2-year-old can.

Watching the parents and child interact, it is clear they are a family, with all of its typical daily rituals and routines. But although the two Jewish women are legal parents - Ms. Kelber-Kaye is the biological mother, and Ms. Kargman-Kaye adopted their two sons - they cannot legally marry.

And that is one of the many reasons that Ms. Kelber-Kaye and Ms. Kargman-Kaye signed on as plaintiffs in Deane and Polyak v. Conaway, a lawsuit challenging Maryland law on same-sex couples in marriage. Oral arguments were heard Aug. 30 in Baltimore City Circuit Court.

According to Meredith Curtis, spokeswoman for the American Civil Liberties Union, which is representing the nine same-sex couples and a recently widowed gay man, a decision is expected any day now. Following the decision, Ms. Curtis said that the case is expected to be appealed by the losing side to the Maryland Court of Special Appeals.

Ms. Kelber-Kaye and Ms. Kargman-Kaye came to the attention of the ACLU when the organization put out the word that it was searching for couples with compelling stories. The ACLU is working closely with Equality Maryland's lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender civil rights organization on this case.

For Ms. Kelber-Kaye and Ms. Kargman-Kaye, their fight to be recognized as legally married is quite personal. The two women have been together 12 years. Ms. Kelber-Kaye is originally from Boston, while Ms. Kargman-Kaye is a New York native. They met in Arizona and moved to Baltimore five years ago.

"We chose Baltimore because [in Arizona] we couldn't legally adopt. It was really scary. When we were trying to find places to move, we looked for a place where I could adopt," said Ms. Kargman-Kaye.

Maryland law allows gays and lesbians to adopt children individually, and same-sex couples generally are granted second-parent adoptions.

After moving here, Ms. Kelber-Kaye joined the faculty at the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, as a women's studies professor. Ms. Kargman-Kaye is a naturopathic physician and acupuncturist in Owings Mills. They started a family and moved to Bolton Hill.

But it was here in Baltimore, they recalled, that they faced two instances of discrimination because of their lack of a legal standing � two acts that clearly impacted and disturbed them.

On the first occasion, Ms. Kargman-Kaye was hospitalized five years ago for a life-threatening cardiac emergency.

"Stacey was frail, and it was scary for me," said Ms. Kelber-Kaye. "The nurse physically pushed me out of the room when they wheeled her in from surgery. The nurse didn't get what we were about. If I would have been able to say to her nurse, �I'm her wife,' it would make her stop and think"

Fortunately, Ms. Kelber-Kaye said the surgical nurse realized their importance to each other and let her into the room while her partner was recovering.

The second time, the two women found themselves in a medical crisis when their younger son was born 6 weeks premature. The baby was immediately whisked away after his birth. Ms. Kelber-Kaye was unable to follow and make decisions, having just delivered the baby. So Ms. Kargman-Kaye said she followed the premature baby, but was initially denied access.

"I remember being really frustrated. I wanted to focus on him. People weren't aware of my role in his life � in Jodi's life. There was no time to discuss our relationship. I wanted to focus on the baby," Ms. Kargman-Kaye said. "I thought, �Should I lie and say I'm her sister so they will let me in the room?'"

Added Ms. Kelber-Kaye: "Most people don't have to justify their relationship."

Ms. Kelber-Kaye and Ms. Kargman-Kaye said they became concerned about what might happen if other medical crises arose for them, or their children. They said they don't want to worry that others might question their role as parents.

"It's in the back of our minds all the time," said Ms. Kargman-Kaye. And being legally married, they said, will prevent such confusion.

"When we win, the medical personnel will have to be trained to deal with it. We'll have a legal issue to stand on," said Ms. Kelber-Kaye.

Said Tracy Brown, executive director of the Women's Law Center: "Stacey and Jodi are putting their personal lives on the line." The Women's Law Center signed onto the amicus brief prepared by the Public Justice Center on behalf of the plaintiffs.

In recognition of their impact in the area of family law, Ms. Kelber-Kaye and Ms. Kargman-Kaye, along with the other plaintiffs in the lawsuit, will receive the 13th annual Rosalyn B. Bell Award at the annual meeting of the Women's Law Center next Tuesday, Oct. 25. The award, which recognizes outstanding contributions to the area of family law, is chosen by the Women's Law Center board.

Meanwhile, the couple said whether they win or not, they plan to remain in Baltimore. They said they have established roots here and recently joined Roland Park's Bolton Street Synagogue.

"It was an interesting decision," Ms. Kelber-Kaye said about joining the shul. "We had a hard time. The temples that were closer are sticking with the Conservative line against gay marriage. By filing the amicus, I thought it was hypocritical to join, when they wouldn't support what we were doing."

Added Ms. Kargman-Kaye: "What it means to be a Jewish family is really important to us."

As for being a family, she said, "I can adopt kids, which is saying we are a family, but we can't be a family - not completely. It is a funny thing."

Ms. Kelber-Kaye said she and Ms. Kargman-Kaye want "to show our kids that you can stand up for what you think is not right. We would like to leave them a legacy."